In Alanis Morissette’s song “Havoc,” the lyrics during the bridge read as follows:
“If forgiveness is understanding
Then I offer mea culpa for the millionth time
From this tumbling house of cards of mine”
While she’s tough to decipher to begin with, this particular order and usage of words resonated with me. Maybe it was more of a nagging. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it — yet my ears were ringing whenever I’d be listening to it.
A few months ago I had a bit of a bowing out with a close friend. I use the term bow out because I don’t think I was at a point where I wanted to argue. This is not typical of me, nor is it my general mantra. The difference this time — the attack. What transpired between my friend and I allowed me to see a side of him I’d never known. It changed my viewpoint of him and crippled any and all comradery. Yet, I still hated the fact we haven’t spoken in months and wondered if he were being just as stubborn as I, or truly didn’t care.
In reading an exercise in forgiveness, the directive said to forgive someone by telling them why you were angry and what forgiveness would mean for you (in this case, me.) So, I began typing. 10 minutes later — sent – sealed — delivered. A few moments later, a message popped up. It wasn’t from him, rather his Facebook account, alerting me the message had been seen.
In a nutshell I wrote why I was angry — really around the attack this time being different. But, for the second part of the question — what would forgiveness mean? — I said I truly hoped that his other friends would never have to go through this now that he knew how I felt as a result of his actions. I also mentioned this would help me to no longer be a doormat and accept certain unacceptable behaviors from friends. Please don’t think it was all his fault. I’m to blame for part of it.
Whoever coined the term forgive and forget missed another word that should’ve been attached. Forgive, Forget & Understand is the better phrase. But, it’s understandable why “understand” is usually missing. We generally don’t come to understand. When we don’t understand — we allow certain patterns of behavior to continue. When we truly understand following the forgive and forget — it’s only then that we start making some headway.
My understanding; and not to sound smug or egotistical, is that I’ve done all I can. The fact that I reached out, the fact that I felt awful and hurt enough to make their first move — the fact that it was eating me up to the point where something needed to be done. This is the side of the sandbox I usually find myself on when it usually comes time for making amends to quarrels. As I understand it, this is the side I want to be on. Think about it — how many times in this day and age do we hear people say “Just leave him or her,” or “You don’t need him or her in your life,” or “Move on?” Sure, there are instances in which that is absolutely necessary. For many others — it’s a cop out. We don’t feel better by getting rid of a person. It sucks. We liked that person for whatever reason and allowed him or her into our life. Now we send them away? Think of the couple who’s been married for 50 or 60 years. We applaud that couple. And we should! Through the best and the worst of times they figured out how to stick together. What I understand the most in all of this is I’m glad that I still feel something. Whether it’s anger, love, bitterness — I will always want to make it right following an argument and turmoil. Why? Because imagine if God walked away from us every time he were angry or annoyed at our actions. He would’ve been gone a long time ago. Now I understand Alanis Morisette’s lyrics. Listen to the song below and see what you think.
